First let me say. Anxiety is telling me don’t hit publish on this piece.
Don’t let others know you feel this way.
But I know that if I feel this way, then others have and do as well.
So I will swallow my pride.
I will take off the facade that says I’ve got it all together.
And I will write.
When anxiety comes knocking.
By the end of the day I am totally spent.
Sometimes I am spent by the afternoon, or before I have even woken up in the morning.
Anxiety starts spiking, and it tells me.
You aren’t equipped for this. You aren’t enough. Special needs parenting demands too much of me.
Sometimes I want to leave and never come back.
Sometimes their behavior pushes me to angry places that make me mad at myself for getting to that point.
Why can’t I have more patience?
Why can’t I have healthier coping strategies?
Why can’t I love my kids better?
Why can’t I let things go?
Why can’t I stop trying to control everything?
These questions become “shoulds.’
You SHOULD have more patience.
You SHOULD be able to cope.
You SHOULD love your kids better.
You SHOULD let things go and not take everything to heart.
You SHOULD control things better so that you don’t feel like you’ve lost control.
You SHOULD have your act together by now.
You SHOULD not let things bother you the way they do.
You SHOULD be grateful.
You SHOULD be enjoying this.
Anxiety is an ugly thing.
It won’t have the ultimate victory.
But it doesn’t leave without an exhausting fight.
If you are suffering with anxiety or depression, seek help. Find a doctor or therapist or friend you trust.