Sometimes you look back at a situation, and you don’t know how you even made it through. You look back and see all of the reasons why you thought you were not going to survive it. But that’s the thing about life. Eventually we get to look back. We get to see the end that we feared, the outcome. But, faith is about holding on when we don’t know what the end is going to be. When the end seems like no other outcome is possible but disappointment and devastation, we must still have faith. Sometimes, we are so distraught about what we are going through that we don’t take a minute to see, at the mid point of the progress how far we have come. So I am making a point today to take note of how far we have come. I am making a point today, to give God all the glory for every blessing in the midst of this struggle. I am giving Him glory for never leaving us alone during this struggle. I am thanking Him today, because even though others can look back at our journey and ask, ‘where was God?’ I can look back and say that every single time I thought the end was near, God did something amazing to move us forward, and rescue us. Today I will remind myself. When the situation seems too big to face, and when the battle seems too hard to fight, and the hope is hard to come by, He has always been there working things out for good. And, He isn’t going to stop now.
In the last few years, the experiences that I thought were an unwanted STOP sign on all my heart’s desires, turned out to just be a signal rearranging us, and setting us on a new path. One far more challenging, and far more trying, but I know He has never left us unequipped for this road.
When we got the news about my 1 year old having a large arachnoid cyst in his brain that was pushing the right side across midline into the left side, and was going to need surgery, God sent us to an amazing neurosurgeon who immediately had a plan to correct the issue. When insurance tried to delay the surgery, God opened up the doors at an amazing children’s hospital so we could have the procedure sooner. When other doctors said that scar tissue can cover up the areas that the neurosurgeon fixed, God instead kept them open and flowing.
When I was desperate and sleepless in the hospital, He sent me plenty of encouragement through messages from friends and family, and scriptures to hold onto.
When we got home, and I didn’t know how on earth I was going to be able, emotionally and physically, to clean the brain surgery scar across the right side of my son’s head, God steadied my hands and my heart to do it just right.
Before we went through any of it, He set us up with an amazing new church family, who walked every step of the journey along side us, and still does.
When I was worried about my son’s seizures, He sent me a doctor who gave us his cell phone number and actually answered it in the height of what we were going through.
When he had yet another seizure, and I had nothing left to pray, He sent a friend to get on her knees with me and pray for Lucas and me.
When I knew that Lucas’ behaviors meant something more than just being a regular defiant toddler, and I was at my loneliest, God sent me to the most amazing individuals and Facebook groups to get support to have the conversations I didn’t know how to have with anyone else. Other mothers and special needs moms and writers going through very similar struggles and journeys shared their hearts and hope with me. God showed me love and that I wasn’t alone.
When we got the autism spectrum diagnosis, and had long waiting lists for needed services, He opened the door and shortened the time by months earlier than expected.
When I thought I couldn’t handle this for another day, He sent me the perfect song, with all the words I needed to hear to find the strength to go on a little longer.
When I thought I wasn’t going to be able to attend church due to my son’s unique and special needs, He birthed a special needs ministry in the heart of wonderful souls at my church, in which my son continues to thrive.
When I thought that the season for doing the ministry I desired was going to have to wait years to be a possibility, He sent me the email about joining the prayer team, who functions exactly during the time Lucas would already be in child care. That meant Lucas’ needs wouldn’t stop me from serving.
Through it all, He knew that I’d need people praying for me and for my family. Through it all, I had that.
When I needed to stop working the way I used to, God provided the income in amazing ways.
When I thought my son would not ever be potty trained, he overcame that struggle.
When I thought that he was not going to be able to answer simple questions and that guessing what he wanted to was all we’d be able to do to reach him, he learned the difference between saying yes and no verbally.
When I thought I had no patience left to parent my kids and be a wife, He made me new.
When I needed a friend, He reminded me who was there with outstretched arms to comfort me and hear me be honest.
When I felt most alone and depressed, God sent us the perfect counseling to bring to life old dead bones in me and in my marriage.
When I felt like giving up, God reminded me, that He is still in control, and always will be.
So, when I face a day that feels impossible to get through, I will look back. When I am tempted to say, and people ask, “Where Was God?” I will say this instead. I see all of the times that God never left me. I will be brave because, I’ve only made it this far through His wonderful blessings. Despite the circumstances and impossibilities of all that we’ve been through, He always showed up, and never a moment too late. He is a specialist at making a way where there seems to be no way. He has never stopped holding my hand through it all. In that, I will find my courage to believe that He won’t let me down. Not now. And, not ever.
Isaiah 43:19 1 I making a way in the wilderness